Johnsons' Journey

I have been meaning to do up a Memorial post for my lost babies for quite some time now… But thinking about it is still hard. So this is why this page is so late in the coming. Not because these babies didn’t mean anything to me, but because they meant so much.

In many ways this page will be hard to share, as in doing so, I will have to give up some secrets about myself, ones that I guard closely… Though many of my friends and family that I’ve known forever already know. But for those of you who have come close to my heart in recent years, may not know… I just ask you now, to please not judge too harshly…..

First, before I give you the story of my first little Angel in heaven, I must give you a little history…

When I was a teenager, I had a VERY low self esteem, but also had high moral values…. But that didn’t mean that I didn’t dream of having a boy friend and finding love. A month before I turned 17 (January 1988) I met Bobby at work. He had been newly hired at Burger King, where I had been working since the previous April. It wasn’t love at first site or anything, in fact he was just another guy… Until I found out he liked me. For some reason, just the thought that SOMEONE, amazingly enough, was interested in me, made me want to be interested in him… Kind of a dumb reason, huh? So we started dating right around the time I turned 17….

They say that hind sight is 20/20, and it certainly is. I should never have even gone out with Bobby, as I am a born again Christian and he wasn’t. But I never even thought of that. But I still had my values, and wouldn’t sleep with him, though he wanted me to….

Then, in August of 1988 my mom walked out on my dad. On the same day my dad got notice that the owner of our house was selling, and that he would have to move… My dad was also out of work at the time… My mom had moved into a two bedroom apartment with some friends, who had 2 little ones of their own. There was no room for me there. And dad, being unemployed, could only find something for him and my brother Phillip (who is slightly handicapped, and can’t live on his own). My brother Rudy already had a room mate, and my sister Sabina was married, pregnant and they had a room mate too… I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, being only 17 and not even finished high school. So I moved in with Bobby and his mom.

It was after this that Bobby started pushing me to get married to him. I knew then it was because I wouldn’t have pre-marital sex, but at the time I didn’t care. I felt like he was the only one who gave a darn about me. My parents were dealing with their marriage issues, and pretty much left me to my own devices. So, 3 days after I turned 18 (February 10, 1989) I made the biggest mistake of my life, I married Bobby.

Things were OK for the first 6 months or so, but then they started going downhill. After getting married I discovered that he did pot… If I hadn’t been so naive, I probably would have figured this out before, but I had never been exposed to these things before. I also discovered that even at his young age, he was a recovering alcoholic… Yay, huh?… We were always broke because of his addictions, and his toys. He like to build and play with those expensive remote control cars. He would come home on payday with only 10 to 20 dollars left in his pocket. When I would get paid, I would try to pay the bills. But he would take the money out of the account, and the checks would bounce. I had to close our checking account and buy money orders on the way home, just to keep our electricity on. There was one point where the only food in the cupboard was rice and gravy mix packages, and the fridge was empty except for some ice in the freezer….

Then he started to get a little abusive too. He would call me names I won’t repeat, and hit me a couple times. One night, in a rage over something, he threw a hammer at me, but it missed and went through the front window instead. I called my dad in the middle of the night, begging him to come get me (though I didn’t mention the hammer), but he wouldn’t. Instead he came over the next day to help “council” us…. I knew then I couldn’t leave, as my family wouldn’t approve… Divorce is not an option in my family…. This was in January of 1990…

I lived the next few months in quiet misery. I went to work, tried to pay bills, and lost interest in doing anything else. I never cleaned, which is unusual for me, and the apartment was a pig sty… But I didn’t care. (Maybe I was on the verge of depression?) Then one day I started talking to Bobby’s sister, and told her how unhappy I was, and that I would leave if I had somewhere to go. Well, she told Bobby and he hawked his wedding ring, came home, and kicked me out. This was on Memorial day weekend in May of 1990. The next day I called Mom (knowing that I couldn’t call dad). I wasn’t sure what she would do, but she said, “Come home!!!!!”… Should have called her in the first place!!! By this time she and another friend had gotten an apartment together, so I just moved into her room. It was crowded, but I was free…. And completely ashamed. To be divorced at 19 was something that has always brought me shame… Something that I HATE to admit, and don’t like people to know.

Cameron Luke

In June I got to thinking that I might be pregnant, and even mentioned it to Mom. But she said, “No, you can’t be”… So I didn’t pursue it. But on July 12 (after having been spotting for a few days) I woke up in the middle of the night with bleeding and the worst cramps I have ever known. I was losing my first baby… Even back then I had wanted a baby, and had been trying to get pregnant as soon as I graduated from High School… (Took 12 months to conceive this little one…) My parents took me to the hospital, and the pregnancy and miscarriage was confirmed. I think I was 10 to 12 weeks along. I was so depressed…

But life must move on…

In June of 1992 I met Joe, and as you know, we started dating on August 14, 1993 and were married on Saturday, September 10, 1994. I won’t go into detail here, as you can read our love story and our wedding story on other pages Ü.…

Now this time I knew I wanted babies right away, and started dreaming of them even before we were officially married. Joe and I decided that we weren’t going to use any birth control, right from the start, and I dreamed of getting pregnant on our honeymoon. Much to my despair my cycle started just a few days after we returned from our honeymoon in Nashville. But the next month, no cycle… I was so excited, but when I bought a pregnancy test, it came out negative. Talk about a let down. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t having any cycles, but the pregnancy tests kept coming back negative. I had actually convinced myself that I was pregnant, and that the tests were wrong. I even made an appointment with Dr. Prescott in January of 1995 (This would be the first time I would see him).

Dr. Prescott informed me that the reason I wasn’t having a cycle, was because I wasn’t ovulating. (This has actually happened before, but I never knew what was going on… I’d gone months without a cycle before, more than a few times.) Dr. Prescott said we could either wait and see what happens, or he could give me a drug that would trick my body into thinking that I had ovulated, and it would start a cycle. Then, when the cycle started I would start Clomid. I opted for the Clomid, because I just didn’t want to wait to have a baby. So I got my prescription for both drugs, and in February my “fake” cycle started and I took the Clomid for the first 5 days, and had to keep one of those basil temperature charts too. Even though I took the Clomid, it still didn’t stimulate ovulation. So he gave me the first drug again, to start my cycle, and upped the dose of Clomid from one a day those first 5 days, to 2 a day. This also didn’t work, and I didn’t ovulate… Then the bad news came. We discovered that our insurance wouldn’t cover infertility and we had already racked up $800.00 in doctor bills. So we paid the bills off and stopped going to see Dr. Prescott.

In June of 1995 I started spotting. I was a bit excited at first, thinking my cycle was coming back and that I would be able to get pregnant. But I didn’t do anything more than spot. I even called Dr. Prescott’s office and they said that I really should come in, as we needed to find out why I was spotting… But I never did go in. (This was stupid of me) We were in the process of closing the deal on our first home, and I was a little preoccupied with that.

We moved into the house on July 15, 1995 and I was so sad about the empty second bedroom. I so wanted to fill it with baby things. Little did I know at the time, but I had gotten pregnant, but it was dead…. Still inside. This is what was causing the spotting. But I let it go and never went to check it out. So I spotted until the following January, never knowing I carried a lifeless body inside me. I think back on it know, wondering if I would have gotten pregnant sooner if I would have gone in to see Dr. Prescott. They could have done one of those DNC (is that the right name?) and cleaned out my uterus…

Colin Theodor

On Thursday, January 25, 1996, I started bleeding heavily at work, with terrible cramps. I knew then what was going on. I paged my boss, told him that I was having a miscarriage and asked if I could go home. One of the ladies who worked there, whom I was friends with, took me home so I wouldn’t have to walk. It was only a 15 minute walk, but the cramps were so bad I couldn’t even stand up straight…. And I was so depressed. Here I had been desperately wanting a baby, and I was losing one. To make matters worse a friend had her baby that very day, another friend had a baby the week before, and my sister was pregnant and due in August, and my sister-in-law had just found out she was having twins…

After losing that little angel, my cycle sort of came back, but it was still very irregular. They would come every 3 to 5 months, which makes it hard to time conception. During this time, as a sort of therapy to myself (as I didn’t want to give up hope on having a baby, and a family) I would buy baby things every once and a while. Cute little outfits here and there, some brand new and some from thrift stores. We even bought crib bedding and a baby book and other baby items. People thought I was crazy, but I didn’t care. And Joe, though he probably didn’t think we should buy these things, let me do it without a word. I think he knew I needed to do it. These were some hard months. Whenever someone called to tell me they were pregnant, I would cry in Joe’s arms. Oh, I was happy for them, but I so wanted a baby of my own.

As we were both anxious to have a family, we started looking into adoption. We figured we could still keep trying to have a baby of our own, but that in the mean time we could give a needy child a good loving home as well. So in September of 1996 we started taking classes through the state to be able to adopt a little girl. We knew that we could never afford a private adoption, and that there were hundreds of children in foster care that needed a permanent home.

So we progressed with the classes and doing a 21 page questionnaire each and home-study for the state of Oregon…. But I never gave up hope that I would get pregnant…

In the beginning of January I bought a book called, “Your Fertility Signals”… I can’t remember the author, and it’s in the attic, so I can’t go look. This book taught me how to tell when I was going to ovulate, by reading my body signals. So in February of 1997, I started to use what I learned…

We also started the remodel of our second room. We thought that by the summer our home-study would de done and that we would need to room ready for the new little girl we were going to adopt… I had decided on a girl, because I knew nothing about little boys. If I was going to have a boy, I would want a baby so I could learn as they grew! LOL!

Then an amazing thing happened. I actually started ovulating more regularly. I was pretty sure (because of the book) that I was ovulating in February, but was also VERY sick that very same weekend. So though we didn’t conceive, 2 weeks later (just like the book said) my cycle started. I was so excited that I had learned to read my system, so I would know when to try and get pregnant. Now to just wait until I ovulated again…. And I did in March, but I had another problem. We had had our first sunny spring day, and I had to be out in it. I had went out and weeded our flower gardens, sitting on the damp lawn to do so. This was a mistake, because the damp, cold ground set off my arthritis. My hips hurt so bad I could barely walk, much less do anything about the fact I was ovulating…. 2 weeks later my cycle started. I was DETERMINED I wasn’t going to miss the next ovulation, come you-know-what and high water!!!!

The next time I ovulated was Friday, April 25, 1997…. I actually ovulated 3 months in a row. Something I hadn’t done since before we were married in 1994…. The following Monday my chest started hurting…. My hopes raised a little… May 9th came and went, the 2 week mark when my cycle should have come. My hopes raised even higher. On Friday, May 16, 1997 I took a pregnancy test and got my first ever positive response!!!! That day I talked with our case worker, for the adoption, and she said that we should hold off on adopting a child. They take too much work to do it with a newborn on the way. We’ve always felt a little guilty about not adopting, and have even talked about doing it once our kids are older.

When Jared was 1 month old, we decided that since it had taken us so long to conceive that we would start trying for another baby right away. It took us another 12 months, but we did get pregnant again in February of 1999.

By March of 2000, when Josh was 4 months old, I was ready for a new baby… I wanted a girl! LOL!…

Krystle Anne

My cycle was still more than a little out-of-whack, and it went on strike for the whole summer. Then, while on a camping trip for our anniversary (with both boys), I ovulated on Saturday, September 9th… The day before our 6th anniversary. I could think of no better place to conceive a baby then on an anniversary trip, how romantic!!! (Even if the boys were asleep in the same Yurt!) I knew that my cycle should come on Saturday, September 23. But even before then, I started to have symptoms. I was tired, my chest hurt, I was craving milk like crazy… And the 23rd came and went with no cycle. I was elated!!!!… For 4 days…. I started spotting on Wednesday, and lost the baby on Saturday the 30th. I was so glad we hadn’t told anyone yet, as I didn’t want to have to un-tell anyone.

We finally did get pregnant again, in January of 2001 to our little Princess Alicia.

Even though we finally had our baby girl, I still wanted one more baby. We had decided that 4 little ones would give us the perfect family. We didn’t start trying for a new little one until June of 2002. And for the first time ever, I got pregnant the first time we tried. I should have known it was too good to be true. I took the pregnancy test on Tuesday, June 25th, and it was positive! I was so happy. But on Friday, while Joe and the boys were gone on a camping trip (Alicia was home with me), I started spotting. I was so scared. The next day I went to Rite Aid and bought two more pregnancy tests. I took one that day and then another a day or two later, and they both came back positive… But I continued to spot. I had already scheduled an appointment with Dr. Prescott for July 10, so I never called to tell them about the spotting. I kept praying it was nothing, maybe a problem with my placenta like I had with Josh.

Michaela Cheyenne

During the routine ultrasound they do at first pre-natal appointments, we found out what I didn’t want to hear. The baby was gone, and only the empty amniotic sac was left. The actual miscarriage started the next day. This time it was harder… We had already told everyone we were pregnant, and had to un-tell everyone. The hardest person to tell was Jared, who though he was only 4, understood and had really wanted a new baby sister. He cried and cried, and to this day talks about the baby that went to be with God.

I had to wait to try and conceive again, until we had a normal cycle… And of course, that one was a few weeks late in the coming. Then came the months of trying again. We finally did conceive in December of 2002, and I am pregnant with a little girl right now!… Due in just 3.2 weeks!

• Update: August 29, 2004

Benjamin Abel

Well, I am back again… Sad to say, but true. Though not officially trying to get pregnant (I want to, hubby isn’t too sure), we did get conceive a baby on Friday, August 13…. Though this pregnancy was never confirmed, I know in my heart I was pregnant…. For one, because of our previous attempts at pregnancy, and the difficult times we had, I know my system VERY WELL. I can tell you to the day when I ovulate, and know to the day when my cycle will come. The only times my cycle didn’t come on the proper day, was when I was pregnant. So I know my cycle was due on Friday the 27th at the latest…. Add to that all the symptoms that I was experiencing…. Fatigue (even taking naps, that I never do), nausea, waking up with back pain, among other things… Then she hits. Aunt Flow arrives on the 29th, and depression sets in. I had been SO HAPPY about the baby, and to realize that it wasn’t going to happen. Then my cycle lasted 8 full days, when they are normally 5 to 6 days long, (too much info coming) and it was extra clotty as well…. So I know that God has received another of my babies into His care.

Maybe most people won’t even believe that I was pregnant, since my cycle was only two days late…. But I KNOW I was. That baby will remain in my heart forever…

I would still like to get pregnant again, though I don’t know if I ever will be able to… Joe is still on the fence about it, and keeps bringing me to these emotional highs and lows, when he changes his mind time after time… It doesn’t help that everyone seems to think that I am being stupid about the whole thing. Do you know how tired I am of people telling me that I have enough (or too many) kids already. Yes, I heard you, I don’t need anymore babies… You don’t have to tell me again. Every comment is like a knife in the heart, as I can’t help how I feel. I know that I have four beautiful children, I know that…. I am truly blessed, and I will be the first to admit it. But why does that mean it has to stop there?…

~*~*~*~

…. I have been thinking that I might have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I have been reading posts from a lot of people who have it, and their stories sound so much like my own. I looked it up on the net, and here are some of the symptoms I have:

1) The infertility thing/ lack of ovulation.
2) Adult acne (yuck!)
3) Facial hair (yuck!)
4) Extra weight in the tummy area (double yuck!)
5) Not producing much milk while breastfeeding….

And today I discovered that unmedicated/uncontrolled women with PCOS have a higher risk of miscarriage……. 5 miscarriages later… Makes you want to go hmmmmm….

• Update: December 24, 2004

Andrew David

We’re here to say yet another goodbye…

I found out on December 3 that I was pregnant… I was so happy too! After the miscarriage in August, I was sure I would carry that baby to term.

We had our first check-up with ultrasound on December 15th. It wasn’t good. Though our baby was alive at that point, things looked bad. The yolk sac was too big, and the amniotic sac was too small. Both were signs of a threatened miscarriage. Our little angel held on until December 24th… I was, and still am, heartbroken…

• Update: August 3, 2006

Goodbye Sweet Pea

Sweet Pea

Since we lost our last baby in December 2004, I had been dreaming of having another one… Joe wanted to wait until we had a bigger house, and I thought maybe I should lose some weight first, so though I wanted another one really badly, we weren’t trying for one. It was hard waiting, and dreaming… Especially knowing I wasn’t getting any younger.

On Friday, May 26 I wrote the following on my blog:

“Tonight Joe and I made a “date”, for once the kids were all snug in their beds. As it got closer to the time, I kept thinking about how much I wanted a baby. I kept thinking how I wish I could just ask Joe not to use any protection, but I knew I shouldn’t… Before I get pregnant again I need to get some dental work done, and I need to lose some more weight… But I kept thinking about it. Almost willing myself to ask Joe to not use it… After a while, I just left it up to God. If He wants me pregnant, than nothing would come in the way, right? So I went to bed, and didn’t say anything…

… After I climbed into bed (without saying anything), Joe brought up the protection… He normally doesn’t… He straight out asked me if I would get pregnant if he didn’t use it. I told him that I didn’t know if I would or not… But he decided, on his own, to “live in the edge”…

I really shouldn’t get pregnant right now. I need to do some self improvement first… Do I think I will get pregnant?… Probably not… Do I want to get pregnant?

Yes.

P.S. I’m on day 17 of my cycle… I have irregular cycles…”

Because of “how” it happened, I was sure I would get pregnant… And I was right. I started having symptoms pretty quickly, and when I took a home pregnancy test on June 12th, it came out positive… I was so psyched!… This time I was confident that we would see a baby at the end of the 9 months. We got to our second appointment, and things seemed to be going so well. We were happily expecting to see a wiggly baby and a strong heartbeat… I was 10.3 weeks when I had my ultrasound. It was then that our hearts were once again broken. The baby had died when I was 9 weeks along, he had already been gone for over a week… I would carry him another week before it was over.

My little Sweet Pea. Gone forever… I will miss you. I love you so much.

• Update: December 14, 2006

Cubbie

I knew I was pregnant…I could feel it. I started having symptoms just days after conception. My chest was sore, I was so very tired, and I was nauseated at times as well… I waited as long as I could take it, and finally tested on 10 DPO I only got the fainted of lines. So faint, I wasn’t sure I was even seeing it. I told myself I had tested to soon. So I tested again on 12 DPO, 17 DPO, and 18 DPO…. By 18 DPO I could tell that the faint line was getting fainter. I also realized that my pregnancy symptoms were going away. I had to face the facts. My brief pregnancy was over, before I could even celebrate it’s being here…. How could I deal with another loss, so soon after losing Sweet Pea?… All I want is another baby… Is that too much to ask?… I love you Cubbie.

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Ancient Chinese Gender Chart

Cross reference age of mother at conception with month of conception